Web Site: http://twitter.com/Tekyuinajar
Bio: I'm Tekyu Inajar, editor-in-chief for the site. I do a lot of things; primarily I'm a massive nerd and that will define a lot of what I write about on here. In particular expect me to jabber out Transformers, Anime, Console & PC gaming, Comic books and collectible toys. Or whatever the hell I feel like! YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!
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So the economy isn’t as stable as you might hope. It’s prompting a lot of desperate moves from pretty much every industry and more than a few of these moves are encapsulated Hasbro’s handling of the Transformers, spotlight moves being tied to Transformers 4.
Hollywood partnering with China for the movie wasn’t altogether that weird, especially given the money they made being twice the domestic profits in the Chinese market.
Outside of the maddening decisions Bay pushed for the film, the weirdest move to date is going out of their way to dumb their strongest toyline down as the following Japanese ad demonstrates perfectly.
The above video features the heavy push for easier toys to transform. This is an issue I have some issue with since it’s even easier than their VERY young kid-aimed Rescue Bots line, which results in a robot in a handful of moves.
This new attiude affects all their figures from this point forward in a desperate negotiation with what they perceive to be simple consumers touting fewer “steps” to “convert” these figures of constant change. Specifically, the above video is of the line marketed as aggressively and cheaply as possible, while other two other levels exist beyond this. Note that they can’t even paint that garbage to look decent?
The kiddy stuff they’re pushing so hard is clearly the most basic level, followed by a slightly larger gimmick based line with “action” stuff like swinging limbs and VERY simple transformations and finally the standard line aimed at slightly older kids and adult collectors.
All of their prices are obscene.
Due to some marketing research, Hasbro delivered the bombshell that Transformers having any challenge in their transition from robot to other thing made them hard to sell. I guess the dwindling economy and ongoing downgrade in product quality had nothing to do with it, but whatever.
According to their research, kids get frustrated with puzzles and give up on the robots in disguise. Certainly the fact that Hasbro has been doing everything to charge more for a lesser product can’t have anything to do with it, so clearly it’s just because it’s hard to do the most important thing a transformer does.
Stupid-level transformers also come in the above “mega” variety and tend to transformer via flipping or smashing, utterly murdering the whole purpose of the franchise in the process.
I never thought I’d see the day when world’s most famous giant robots aren’t worth learning the simplest of disciplines. Nothing but fat, lazy kids just flipping their robots around.
This philosophy is a thing Hasbro is applying across their lines in general to limit steps in transformation to lure back an audience too stupid to use toys with instructions. I get that sometimes it takes a little work to get something down, but if you surrender to FUCKING PLASTIC TOYS then what does that say to your goals in life?
I’ll happily admit that some of these guys are a challenge and as a professional nerd I’ve broken more than my share of toys even as an adult, but it’s a learning process like everything else in life. I started with Gobots when I was younger and when Transformers hit the scene it was unreal how big, awesome and amazing they were and they had only gotten better with time.
These days with child safety laws, my toys should have straight up killed my ass fifty times over. Pointy parts, hard plastic edges, die cast metal, sparks, small accessories, launching missiles and the original Megatron was a stunning replica of a Walther P-38 pistol with scoped rifle attachments.
The Masterpiece Megatron that came out a few years ago is about the size of a Desert Eagle.
I know that this just means that I’ll have to worry less about losing money to Hasbro, but Hasbro isn’t subtle about their obsessive desperation as they eagerly leap to rip off legos with their Kre-O lines, Lego’s Bionicle with their Transformers Construct Bots, Skylanders with their pseudo-console set for Rescue Bots and other stuff as it suits their impulses.
Hasbro is just like any other company today terrified for their brand relevancy and regularly getting their asses kicked by Mattel isn’t helping. I hope they consider sticking to what sells or at least start ripping off better ideas like Mattel’s Mattycollector.
Honestly, I can’t believe I ended up watching it. It’s definitely a sign that I should trust my instincts and easily made me certain that I can totally pass on Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
I’m not really out to spoil things and I’m so disappointed that I’m not gonna throw out a full blow review. Here’s a break down of what the awful reality is from viewing a Michael Bay Transformers trailer and the actual film:
No/few Transformers – I get that Transformers show up, but they are just making a cameo in a film with their name so Marky Mark can have multiple impotent arguments with idiot children about sex, pregnancy and inherent purity of invention. There’s also the Earth-made Transformers that… don’t transform. Huh.
No Dinobots – They’re literally the curtain that closes on the film, presenting them as anything else is utterly dishonest. 4 Dinos show up, don’t say a word, then after a brief scuffle take off to have a nice fight sequence to end the movie way too late.
The movie won’t die – Bay needs to look up what editing means. There’s no excuse why this film couldn’t have been done in half the time and accomplished more. When I’m yawning to constant explosions and bored to tears when Dinosaur robots show up, you’ve failed at what you meant to do.
Really stupid – Granted, this film is slightly LESS stupid than the last two films because it has some focus. The problem is that the movie can’t stick with that and it flies off the rails into stupid territory constantly, ruining the most coherent story the movies have had yet.
Evil Autobots – I’m not saying that they need to clone the 80′s cartoon, but Bay doesn’t even know what a goddamn robot is much less what a heroic robot character is like. The Autobots spew more hate than ANY Decepticon in ANY of the films as they talk constantly about their eagerness to murder both humanity and their fellow Autobots. It’s pretty embarrassing.
For those unafraid of actual spoilers read Rob Bricken’s FAQ for Transformers 4: Age of Extinction
For those just seeking a quick and easy review, I’ve got three of varying passionate responses to Bay’s latest film:
Jeremy Jahns has the easiest reaction to digest and one I agree with more than anything.
Nostalgia Critic weighed in as well, albeit in a way that even I feel is utterly extreme.
For a less obscenity-fueled rant here’s MovieBob’s take on the film, which is far more generous than I could be given that I was annoyed for the first half and bored out of my mind for the second.
Doesn’t get better knowing the games tied into the film are also disappointing. I’m glad the funding manages to produce other cool Transformer things like masterpiece toys, new shows and awesome games like War for Cybertron, but the ongoing spectacle of shame is getting pretty old.
So Littlekuriboh’s Yugioh Abridged series is a thing that’s been on the internet for awhile.
I won’t pretend that I’ve been very fond of Yugioh or that I’ve really grasped even a basic understanding of uh… Well, anything about it. I’m totally baffled by how it became as big as it did, but I’m picking myself up off the ground after discovering another of the internet’s treasures in an abridged series that sums up the high points of another monster anime franchise.
They did a recent movie (Bonds beyond time, see video below) that crossed the different yugioh generations over in a fight for the future… of card games on motorcycles? If you like what you see or find yourself curious, mosey on over to yugiohabridged.com for more.
It’s funny as hell and pulled me into a series 60 epsiodes strong that takes brutal hateful stabs at characters, concepts, plotlines, hairstyles and other elements made famous by this trading card game.
Hotline Miami, game famed for its brutal and savage trademark murder simulation distinguished by bizarre animal masks is…
Totally unrelated to this video about and comically themed horse-headed beast that roams city streets in a nightgown to satisfy a lust for hay and blood. No, seriously. This is a recurring character in the twisted rampage of comedy by the minds behind ASDF.
See the video below, but be warned that it contains hay consumption, a wiggling horse mask and madness. Also brutal murder, so unless your boss is into that kind of thing check it out.
More like “Jurassic Suck”.
Like people drunkenly rifling through boxes in an attic of pain, Telltale joins the forces of intellectual bankruptcy toying with a strong concept for a relatively dead license in a method never taken.
I could ramble about failure to adhere to a license and I just might, but the game being totally broken does the job of shooting this game down before I can gripe about the other crap.
Sooo much crap…
A mercenary chased by glowing eyes sets the stage for the story untold that ties into the film and the ultimate fate of the Nedry’s Barbasol can full of embryos. A smuggler trying to escape with the can finds herself trapped on the island with a dino-vet, his daughter, a scientist and a pair of mercenaries sent to “rescue” priority people left on the island.
This is a dead horse that so many have already stepped up to beat, but I’m not above finding that same horse to get a few kicks in after spending some quality time in my new experience at exotic Isla Nublar.
It boils down to three distinctive sins:
2. Mass Effect?
3. Bored in Dinosaur hell?!
1. Quick Time Events – They didn’t have a name until Shenmue and they didn’t have a face until God of War implemented them in gruesome and naughty pieces of action to break up the tedium of murdering the entire Greek pantheon of Gods. Now that they’re cool, every lazy, lame, loser hack of a developer throws this shit in a game because it’s cheaper to make you react to cinemas and timed button prompts instead of playing a game.
Jurassic Park is, without question, the single greatest example of doing everything wrong. EVERYTHING. The game isn’t peppered with QTE, it is just a 4 episode series of buggy, unresponsive quick time events and a handful of them have actual effect on how the story proceeds, but thanks to the second sin it commits you won’t give a crap.
2. Mass Effect Conversation – Who borrows stuff from better games? Telltale, apparently. In the right hands, a script can bring a silly story to the skies of brilliance making you overlook flaws and find something to keep this tale in your heart forever. Jurassic Park swipes Mass Effect’s conversation wheel, but dodges the accusation of theft like a boss because they didn’t make a script worth reading or characters worth the effort of conversing.
To further pour salt in that open wound, your choices in conversation don’t mean crap because the characters don’t remember anything and it’s the QTEs that really determine life or death, so conversations are just there to bleed out time between marathons of “press X to dry hump dilophosaurus”.
Worse still, they make you devil’s advocate in their arguments. As tension mounts the characters begin to argue and take each other hostage periodically, but you’re the one commanding the awful dialogue between them on both sides and it seems to go on as long as you let it. The worst of it doesn’t show until the latter half of the game, but the fact is that there isn’t a redeemable soul among them and any game where I start rooting for the man-eating beasts stalking my characters is doing something wrong.
3. BORED BORED BORED!!! – So the mere notion of running around the iconic park had me ready to scream “Eat a dick, Spielberg!” as I imagined being able to trash familiar settings of one of my favorite films and books. It was an easy sale, really. They wasted money on text, I’d have bought it for the logo alone.
Sadly, the end result of this entire exercise is boring, lifeless and bland as a generic story about instantly forgettable people is told terribly through shitty QTE. Jurassic Park doesn’t just validate the stigma directed at licensed video games, it is probably the greatest culprit ever devised. Telltale is known for bringing life back into a genre that encouraged exploration and experimentation amidst stories that provided ample incentive to dig for more. Jurassic Park is the antithesis to their design philosophy to date.
I’m sure there’s a book deal in the making about who screwed who on this, but for those on the fence because you’re a fan of the franchise or someone who just think dinosaurs and videogames need to join forces more often then you need to steer clear of this game because it will hurt you more than anyone else.
Overall: 1 out of 5
This is Telltale’s lowest point and it was out of this crap-drenched attempt at an action game that they found better ways to fuse their skills at making solid adventure titles. Out of this failure we got the incredible Walking Dead game and the outstanding Wolf Among Us series. It wasn’t a total loss.
I have to impress upon you though, that curiosity isn’t worth it. If you CAN dodge this bullet, do so. It was recently on sale for $.99 on the Playstation store and it was all 4 episodes for about a buck. That’s arguably still too much, because you’ll have nothing save for regret while actually playing them.
After seeing the videos along and hearing some more of the songs, I took the plunge and snagged the album. It has ruled my ears ever since and I feel compelled to share the bizarre combo bringing the perverse talents of Egoraptor and Ninja Sex Party together.
I could come up with genuine reasons, but I’m going to just blurt out descriptions of the songs because they’re probably the most effective incentive. Given the source expect a lot a dick jokes. Like… a LOT. Generally, it’s an album dedicated to perverting the games you love and you’ll be laughing your ass off as it happens.
The album is available in two flavors, the standard album and the EX Plus Alpha edition that includes the karaoke tracks. There’s also a physical disc and some swag HERE. Let’s rap about the rap album as I blunder through some of the tracks with the videos made so far, they push that there’s 13 tracks, but two of them aren’t worth noting since they’re just opening and closing talky stuff.
1. I choose you to die – The album begins with a shock to the system giving you a taste of Pokemon gone dark as an Ash Ketchum begins beating on his Pokemon in a desperate attempt to get a thrill. A cautionary yarn about life after catching them all.
2. Sonic’s Best Pal – Tails the Fox isn’t anything except a sidekick and this song examines the twin-tailed fox exploring chemical escapism. And he screams about whores. And screams a lot, actually.
3 . Crasher-vania – Simon Belmont is shown as the REAL monster in Castlevania as innocent monsters trying to have innocent Halloween fun are butchered in a fit of hurt feelings with a hilarious Monster Mash vibe.
4. The Book of Nook – Animal Crossing takes a turn that’s hard to ignore when Nook the raccoon clearly explains your place in the pecking order and how he intends to violently enforce that loan you took out on your house.
5. It’s Dangerous to go Alone – We chatted about the Zelda song before, but it’s worth noting that the old man in the cave of the first game has another blade for Link to take in his sturdy grip…
6. Mega Marital Problems – Megaman wasn’t just popped in a freezer between games. Life went on and even Dr. Wily reformed as he conducts some marriage counseling for mister and misses Megaman as the Blue Bomber’s wife demands actual sparks in their lovelife. Also Megaman faces off against Zero. Awesome.
7. Rap Battle: Ryu vs Ken – The Spazkid animated video betrays a growing resentment between the Shotokan rivals and Ryu makes dick references. Constantly. This rap battle to the death takes you across a sea of funny/dirty street fighter references, and lots of dick references. See the them all in the video below!
8. Ballad of Luigi – Remember the spin doctors? Hmm. Probably not… Anyway, Luigi gathers his courage to tell Princess Peach of his love for her as Mario assaults his brother’s tender confession of affection with an announcement to the princess that he bears the burden of a massive phallus. Also a video by EgoRaptor!
9. Regretroid – Samus Aran of Metroid occasionally has to tangle with gender issues. In this tune she addresses a double standard made obvious when facing the fearsome Kraid and Mother Brain. Octopimp crafted a kickass wordy video to accompany the song below.
10. Kirby’s Adventures in Reamland – Sometimes curiosity is a horrible, horrible thing. Egoraptor and Ninja Sex Party explore Kirby’s kink side. Ugh, it’s just horrifying. Why?! WHY SEX WITH KIRBY?!?
11. The Simple Plot of Final Fantasy 7 – Cloud appears on a gaming talkshow to explain the simple story to Final Fantasy’s seventh installment, much to the frustration of its host and other guests whose games can be explained in one sentence.
I’ve heard worse ideas, but few work out as poorly as connecting a shitty franchise that doesn’t perform well with one that sells.
In the case of Transformers, that means forcing a crossover game that implies that the War for Cybertron series and the Movies are ostensibly before and after images of the same universe. This being a notion that makes me gurgle with rage and not just because seeing stuff like this still makes me ill:
I’m mad as fuck because War for Cybertron and Fall of Cybertron are the only games that don’t make me crumple in disappointment at the failure of other games representing the robots in disguise to date. Aside from being solid shooters themselves they also show a lot of care in respecting the source material and remain the one steady foot that Transformers has in gaming.
Although, that Transformers Armada game on the PS2 was pretty sweet too.
The movie games are sloppy, buggy and represent a picture perfect example of shitty licensed games and that the kiss of death for such hastily developed titles is as strong now as it was back in the day. It’s like counting rings on a tree, if that tree were made of shit. Different layers of feces showing different levels of half-assed, hurried promotion meeting the release of a movie instead of making a game for the purpose of making a game that benefits the license long term.
Again, not picking on the movies themselves despite the fact that Bay’s pissing, testicle waving and farting robots are a constant reminder of pain and confusion for me. The movie games have always been prone to major suckage and lack the polish that makes the War for Cybertron so appealing, but that quality is not aided by the fact that they’re trying to combine the decent game with the craptastic game. Kotaku concurs.
Simply put, the movie games are made to cash in on a movie-based impulse; whereas the War for Cybertron games were developed as games first and licensed products second. This cash-in is meant to lure folks hungry for a sequel from the GOOD Transformers game while squeaking out a few additional copies from folks that either haven’t been hurt enough by the Transformers movie games or folks that just don’t know any better and hate having money.
To pour salt in this impending wound, the game’s not even being handled by the only competent hands trusted with the series. It’s being developed by Edge of Reality, a studio known for doing the laundry of better developers in porting stuff to other stuff. It is within the grasp of these slippery fingers that an obvious cash grab is being squirted out to silence the barking seals of the transformers fanbase that have been calling for since the end of Fall of Cybertron left us on an extreme cliffhanger.
Everything else on the game is vague past this singular and upsetting point, but meshing different worlds hasn’t historically worked well for Activision, remember the Spiderman-on-Spiderman crossovers? Probably not, because they also sucked and were a cash grab as they neglected developing incredible games for individual SpiderMEN (Like Original flavor and 2099 variants) so they could senselessly cram them into games that look great on paper and like ass in production.
If it’s just a crossover then at least we can look forward to a non-crap game coming out sometime, but in the then why make this AT ALL when you could still just make a GAME to tie to the movie on its own merits?
It’s a game with robots that are also cars, jets and DINOSAURS!!! This is an opportunity that developers should be killing eachother in the street over and yet it’s just another plop in the bucket for Activision.
Since the publisher manning the spigot is the same vile creature that basically murdered Guitar Hero and clearly states its intention to drive stuff into the ground, the whole purpose of the game is milking a license for cash without putting in the work on a better game.
Sigh. It’s a matter of lazy business math. Who the fuck wants to make games anymore, right?
Do you even Zelda, brah?
Egoraptor and the playful carnies of Ninja Sex Party have combined their fearsome forces to make Starbomb, a sinister game-lampooning rap style music project.
It even has an album out for sale.
It’s like it has learned to feed itself!!! The songs are gradually being treated to youtube video promotion and the most recent was this “laid back summertime jam” exploring the complicated relationship between Link and the mysterious old man in the cave who provided his first blade…
BE WARY OF CURSING AND TOPIC OF A SEXUAL NATURE. POTENTIALLY, NSFW!!!
This particular video marks a feather in the cap for its animators, Studio Yotta. Here’s hoping we see more from the folks that managed to tie Zelda’s green-clad hero to hookers:
I will say that as “Zelda Rap” goes we’ve gone a lot further than where we used to be… Uh, yeah. Although, I’m not especially feeling “rap” from this lyrical showdown about a phallus.
I’m old school, folks. I’ve seen my share of Zelda Raps before.
Whatever the hell you wanna classify this wondrous musical accomplishment, the album is available on iTunes and Amazon among other places.
I suppose there’s bigger topics to cover out there. Maybe.
There’s Facebook and Oculus enjoying the fallout of their reviled union post-buyout.
There’s Square-Enix realizing that folks want them to make the games that they’ve generally been demanding for years after seeing the sales number for greatly default.
But all news pales in comparison when you consider that someone took time out of their lives to make a goat simulator that is, in fact, the worst simulation of a goat ever.
You basically cause widespread destruction as a goat because… you just do.
The closest thing I could compare it to is PAIN on PSN, a game that had you hurling people via slingshot at targets around a city in order to string together the largest amount of injuries, devastation and wanton destruction possible.
Goat Simulator allows you the freedom to roam around… and apparently make contact with Satan at some point? Regardless, it’s the most aggressively awesome idea that challenges all past conceptions of goat-based gameplay in the industry to date.
Kotaku (despite their annoying ads) has a great list of Steam reviews that boil the game down to its core for you to decide on it being a purchase or not. This list being one of the most persuasive incentives I can think of to justify considering the game for goat purposes.
Also, Team Four Star’s Lanipator had a go at the game on their new site while doing his Vegeta voice and it gives a satisfying taste of the Goating in action.
No, not their ACTUAL stock. Uh, maybe it is?
Well, I don’t know, but my personal stock in them certainly is after having a long hard look at the offerings between my current generation consoles and a harder look at the next gen consoles that recently hit the market.
Since the outage due to the big hack back about the time Portal 2 was supposed to release with some fancy connectivity feature to Steam, Sony has been in a weird position scrambling to undo the damage. Myself, like many folks, were so freaked by the fact that we’d essentially been e-robbed that Sony’s efforts to undo the damage largely went unapplauded.
They did some good work there. The Lifelock insurance, the improved network security and even a trial run at a program I should have jumped onto.
That program being PlayStation plus, essentially Sony’s asnwer to Xbox Live, that offers perks, discounts and the added bonus of small pile of games each month as benefits. However, these perks are obscene in their awesomeness since paying close to what one year of Xbox Live costs results in a library that dwarfs Microsoft’s recent attempt to measure up with games that have been around for five years or so and only two of those a month.
While the PS3 still doesn’t have access to a better infrastructure allowing communication between users in a more practical fashion, it still will have more free stuff thrown at it than the Xbox 360 ever will in its lifetime. Sure, it’s technically “free” stuff from a service you pay to enjoy and the perks dry up as will access to said library if you stop paying, but there isn’t anything out there comparable and as someone who’s been paying for far less using Xbox Live as long as I have I’m seeing a far greener pasture on the side that Daison has been waving me towards for a long time now.
Hell, in just a few months any PlayStation Plus member finds themselves bathed in free games across multiple systems giving added incentive to check out a new console just to accommodate the new library that user will have access to instantly.
Daison and I were narrowly able to make one last hurrah of things with Civilization Revolution over Live, but being that I’m only looking to put down money for one next gen console (if any) and that there’s little if any incentive on Xbox One outside of giant robots, it’s an easy decision. Even if I don’t get a PS4 anytime soon, the Plus account will still mean that I have games waiting for me when I’m ready.
A new console with a bunch of games just waiting there for me? Hell, I might even snag a Vita too.
Well played, Sony. Well played.