Transformers: Beware Gari Robo-kun! Treat-based Toy Terrorism Troubles Toy-nerds!

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I won’t do this often, but after carefully crawling into the Import Toy Bandwagon, I’m leaping out again as though it were on fire for this instance because of a very specific and peculiar product.

Wait... is he holding a Popsicle?

Well… Not Toy nerds per se… just me.

I hate this thing. Not for any good or practical reason. If anything, I probably should have been more mad at the Transformers/Disney crossover resulting in Mickey Mouse Prime. But this fucker… this “Gari Robo-kun” thing just drives me up the wall to the point that even I find myself a little concerned.

It’s not just that I don’t care for the figure or for the somewhat obvious lack of articulation on a mostly unattractive dessert mascot shoehorned into a hideous Transforming carcass. He’s hideous. And that FUCKING MOUTH! I want to drive my truck into it. The longer I look at it, the longer I feel gurgling rage just fizzle up as my brain wonders why I would have any emotional reaction at all. Then my anger punches my brain right in the brainface and tells it to wait in the damn corner. Stupid brain.

More alarmist talk of toy evil after the cut!

I’ll say this though: the lil’ Optimus Prime helmet isn’t helping. Nor is his Optimus-y torso made to look vaguely like Generation One Optimus’ chest.

It’s like these evil sons of bitches just want to create a wound and then POUR ALL THE SALT IN THE WORLD INTO IT as they inquire playfully about whether or not it hurts. Yeah, it hurts you freezer treat savages! I feel this pain! It knows I hate it and the beast is clearly trying to smile despite his hideous deformity of a mouth and the tips at the sides raise slightly with sadistic delight as it senses my writhing across the world.

Available in SHIT and FUCK flavors at a store likely very far from you.

Crying for vendetta against a toy you’ve only seen pictures of is not sound logic. AND YET I DO NOT CARE! I HATE THIS THING! HATE HATE HATE IT! In addition to transforming into popsicle, some parts of his alternate popsicle mode factor into his robot form as he gains weaponry in the form of a popsicle stick sword, “popsicle skin” shield and… a popsicle. A popsicle? Oh yeah, I should note that he’s a popsicle mascot distinguished by his HIDEOUSLY OVERSIZED MAW ABOUT TO ENVELOP A TINY INNOCENT POPSICLE. So he EATS popsicles. He is the definitive wolf amongst sheep, it’s just that those sheep happen to sleep soundly in a freezer until one of their own flock transforms into their worst possible nightmare and devours them down to the stick…

SO HE’S A GODDAMN CANNIBAL TOO??

That popsicle had a FAMILY! Sick bastard! This stick-stabbing, cannibal fuck dressed in vaguely Optimus Prime style gear is a weirdly popular item for the more perverse Transformer freaks that dabble in the darkness of wildly overpriced Japanese toys. I used to be among their ranks, but this horror kind of dampens my enthusiasm for the stuff. It being even weirder than a $50+ Optimus Prime that, no shit, turns into a shoe or a hat. Not that the price helps the issue as the Japanese hybrid monsters tend to cost quite a pretty penny and I can’t even imagine what the popsicle freak would run, but I can imagine myself not paying for one with all the rage of a thousand suns.

There’s already a stupidly limited gold variant being put into motion; a common practice among Japanese toys creating pointless “holy grails” among collectors to fuel interest in a line, though diabolically effective.

Like all grown men who rage at inanimate objects made to amuse children, I felt it was my duty to do the right thing and inform you all.

You’re welcome.

Per Seibertron

In hand images via The HigeKumaToyToy Blog (Japanese)

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