Gears of War: The TOTALLY NECESSARY Board Game

(Nothing says “I understand what the shooter demographic needs” quite like a board game of a video game.)

No, seriously. This is for real. Gears of War: THE BOARD GAME.

Novelizations were already a stretch, but they’re actually decent game nerd fiction. It’s not remotely important to the “story” of Gears in the way that Mass Effect’s books dance between the narrative within the franchise’s massive universe that much bigger, but if you’re entertained by a hopeless struggle of humanity against peculiar critters then shit… they’re worth leafing through.

A board game on the other hand… Are you fucking kidding me? Really? Sure, the CONCEPT is somewhat engaging in the same way as turning Metal Gear Solid into Metal Gear Acid. Engaging, but not necessarily advisable. In fact, wholly inadvisable. Action espionage loses its vigor, its tension when your fuckin’ deathmatch shoot out is decided by what’s in your deck.

Sure, Metal Gear Acid managed to be pretty fun. I was very surprised with the end result and I actually had some fun with the second game. But it’s not the same and if it weren’t for a preorder that I ended up getting screwed over on (Thanks Game Crazy…), I wouldn’t have even played the damn game.

I can’t imagine how they’re going to spin this so that Gears fans will want this $80 board game of a shooter whose primary claim to fame is dismemberment with chainsaw bayonets. Gargle all the gravel you like announcer dude, it’s still a board game. No gritty voice in a commercial can change that and the wholly fundamental difference between a gore filled campaign of blood spattered despair in a highly-praised shooter VIDEOGAME and a deeply thought out board game with variable boards and mission types.

It’s just… silly. Granted, they put more thought into its development than most shameless, pointless tie-in merch, but doesn’t make it anything more than overpriced swag aimed at a niche bunch of nerds, many of whom won’t bother opening to play it and instead will either eBay it immediately or store it with their COG flag in the basement… to sell on eBay later.

I’m just sayin’, if you have no skill at all this will certainly appeal to you. If you have two thumbs and most of your fingers, you would be better served by buying the videogame(s).

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One Response to Gears of War: The TOTALLY NECESSARY Board Game

  1. Daison says:

    Yeah. Can’t believe anyone would think that this was a good idea. Luckily it’s NEVER HAPPENED EVER BEFORE IN HISTORY. Here, let me just.. leave these links.. here…

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