Final Fantasy 3 hits iOS stuff, prepare to break bank


(Opening for the FF3 remake on the Nintendo DS)

That’s right folks, it’s iFantasy! Well, Final Fantasy 3 FINALLY making it to the iOS devices where… they… belong? Sure it’s old news, but it definitely merits discussion.

It should be noted that Square-Enix’s shit is typically more valuable than normal shit, or at least that used to be the norm among gamers and game collectors because Squaresoft and Enix games typically last for YEARS of replay value. These days, the combined form of Squenix takes that for granted so just open your wallets and spread those cheeks because stuff you MAY have already paid for is “back” and it’s pricier than it should be. It’s pricier than its competing downloadable titles and it’s setting records on how much a single game is truly worth.

Some of you may or may NOT remember that it was a big ass, hairy deal when Squenix actually MADE something back in the mid-to-late 90’s. Well, sorry, that’s a fucking lie. They didn’t MAKE shit in this case, they outsourced a game Squaresoft made made to Matrix Software who injected some much needed depth and sexiness into the Famicom gem, Final Fantasy III.

It was a huge deal when FF3 was released in 2006. It didn’t innovate so much as it… Well, where it didn’t innovate (being that it was a 16 year old game by this time) it filled an important niche and overall it was just a really nice effort that American fans like me really appreciated. Mind you, that was an effort that Squenix wasn’t keen on doing on their own for a fairly important game and they were lucky that it just turned out so well and managed to make such good use of the DS’ features.

That said, the game wasn’t worth all the hubbub of re-re-releasing so damn soon. Not to say that it isn’t a great reason to have a DS, but it sure as hell isn’t a reason to take a game that has had its fucking run already, port it to another screen and charge such an outrageous price for it. Kotaku in their furious masturbation questionable review made sure to point out that it was about $19.99 (new) on Amazon and $9.99 (used) on Gamestop.

What they didn’t note is that at the time of their posting that you could actually snag it used on Amazon for $6.54 so… why would you go out of your way to bend over and pay more than you had to in order to enjoy games that you can currently acquire for sufficiently less??? There’s some sense in waiting ten years to release something, it defines the greasy and sleazy way Disney does business, hence their Disney Vault that seals away shit until its value and demand matures justifying a profitable re-release.

This ceaseless re-re-re-re-releasing of shit is making their once-prized games worthless. A frequent act by Squenix further reflects their inability to truly grasp what made their company great. The GOOD stuff is what they’re re-releasing to pad out all the holes they keep punching in their boat with each bastardizing piece of trash they stamp the FF logo on now. Since the gravy days of the PS2 dried up and the control of the the company came into the hands of people who had no fucking comprehension of what people saw in their products, things have taken a downward turn.

The folks who had a clue could see the writing on the walls and after racking up such an amazing amount of debt, the Squaresoft/Enix hybrid had to unite towards a common goal that didn’t include MAKING games of the same quality as the last two generations of consoles each company developed game for separately, but instead focused on churning out stuff of great quantity as they eagerly embraced the philosophy that making “good” games makes as much money or more than making “great” games, which is the reputation the company was known for previously.

As soon as the ink dried on the merger things turned down a darker path. Each separate company had already built a series of projects in earnest that managed to scramble out the gates before creativity was caged in like some howling and sad beast. Guys who had no clue what they were doing were hurled at handling items they clearly were not prepared for and things went from weird to bad.

Tri-Ace for instance, one of Enix’s genius pet Developers responsible for Valkyrie’s Profile and Star Ocean 2, are beaten so consistently and brutally that they don’t get a chance to catch their damn breath and what SHOULD be epic, awe-inspiring games are fucked up for no reason save for Squenix putting spurs to them in a way they aren’t accustomed. Granted, Star Ocean 3 their primary flaw was the cockpunch of an ending, but since then it’s just been crap game after crap game. There was a horrifying 3D attempt at a Mana series platformer-thing that was just agonizing to play, additionally there was that little fumble of a shooter that was FF7: Dirge of Cerberus, or more popularly known as “Vincent May Cry“.

There have been a few outstanding diamonds in the rough since the merger, but the lion’s share of everything they’ve made has been complete and utter crap on levels they should be ashamed of. Bow deeply Square-Enix, for you bear much in the way of shame. Suicide may be your only option and remember, RITUAL suicide is best.

…what was I talking about? Oh, right. Overpriced shit. So FF3 was a good game, iOS people will enjoy it thoroughly, I’m certain. However, why is is a game that’s six years old/based on a game MUCH older asking for such a high price in a market of normally cheap software while the original version of this very game is still roaming game store shelves in easily acquired quantities?

Re-releasing Chrono Trigger (in Japan) on the Wii Virtual Console for $11 in a $10 market while the DS version of the game is still available makes SLIGHTLY more sense because the differences between the DS version and the original Super Nintendo ROM are comparatively vast. Far more so than a port of a DS game to the iPhone/iPad. The price hike is still a greedy dick move, but putting it up for sale in such a tight frame of time makes SENSE, offering something to collectors and folks without a DS.

If Squenix is worried about pirates… they really are going about this in the wrong way…

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