Final Fantasy 13: A pain that still lingers…


(Yahtzee’s ZP review of FFXIII, I’ve played a little longer than him at this point, but I share his feelings in a big way. My distractions are related directly to the game itself and all the urgent care visits that it caused.)

Ask any person who knows me, after they stop complaining about the flatulence they’ll go into how I’m a creepy nerd who they SUSPECT has erotic thoughts about robots and plays video games as though they held a cure for an inability to socialize.

One of my flagship bad habits has always been Final Fantasy and has been so since the first game touched down on our shores while I was in first grade. The third (FF6 for purposes of accuracy) defines my ideal epic. Everything up through ff12 has been some wild ride of amazing awesomeness.

Then FF13 happened…

I’m already at odds with some people on Final Fantasy XIII, but I stand by my assessment that it’s Squenix’s biggest fuck up since Unlimited Saga (which I own as well) and the ONLY reason people are taking the extra effort of reserving judgment is that it’s a Final Fantasy game, no other game would get this kind of kid gloves treatment. Squenix was hoping for that which is why they put out so much garbage to buy time for XIII’s development with the FF logo adorning it including a hilariously awful Crystal Chronicles title.

The palpable, awe-inspiring awfulness of FF13 is something I haven’t been able to penetrate in order to play the game all the way through. I can barely progress before I literally start barking and frothing out of anger and frustration. I’ll come back to this eyesore again, but aside from that fact that this title would be under-performing on the PS2 it’s the asshole who MADE the game that pushed me over the edge and makes more more jaded towards his product every time he opens his mouth. BTW by under-performing I don’t mean that its billion dollar visuals aren’t outstanding, I mean that following one straight path for over 20 hours acting out a story so awful that it upsets my bowels in setting a new standard of low for me.


(Opening movie for Final Fantasy X-2, showing that the title was taking a decidedly different tone than that of its predecessor, the game borrows heavily from previous FF titles and despite making BETTER use of those elements than anything after FF12, it remains the butt of many jokes and nerd mockery. We had no idea how lucky we were… in spite of its inherent retardation, FFX-2 was a wealth of RPG fun, comparatively speaking.)

There’s a Final Fantasy XIII sequel coming out and I think it’s a bad idea considering the last unnecessary sequel was FFX-2 (there was also a DS sequel to FF12, but that was actually pretty fun) and for the record that poorly received, savagely reviewed PS2 game outdoes FF13 in every single competitive arena in spite of it being part of the last console generation. FFXIII drew a line in the sand that has nerds eating each other over the honor of a shitty product and I’ll definitely go into that more another time, but that won’t stop me from sharing the thoughts of a couple of respectable folks whose opinions stirred a kinship of hatred.

VG Cats’ Scott Ramsoomair put it pretty succinctly in the way he so often does.

Rob Bricken, lovable pervert and proprietor of Topless Robot, had some wonderfully vicious things to say about the game that he put in a monstrous list of thirteen specific gripes.

Aside from all the news they reported on it, Kotaku gave us an amusing frankenreview of the title (sort of… exactly what I’m doing) and the results were amusingly grim. Then there was all the “FUSS” with its wishy-washy decision of release platforms and DLC that never happened. Much like Nintendo’s “confusion” about how Metroid: Other M fucked up, Squenix seemed puzzled about how poorly received the game was with western gamers.

I burn with smoldering rage mostly because Motomu Toriyama, the loudmouth fucktard director of FF13, made a point of chastising western reviewers of FF13 when it came over to western shores because it failed to receive the perfect scores of the Japanese critics regularly bribed in Japan. His criticism of Western critics came of a result of there BEING any criticism at all as he announced that everyone outside asia was apparently “too western” to appreciate his magnum opus. Let’s take note that a guy who directed an ESSENTIAL franchise entry for Square Enix has an interesting interpretation of what an RPG is in the west. Those of us in the “west” look to successful Western RPGs as World of Warcraft for the discerning MMO pervert or for those of us roaming solo there’s Mass Effect, Dragon Age, Fallout and Elder Scrolls.

Let me reiterate that Toriyama, a man who wielded one of the most formidable video game titles in the WORLD, assumes Hitman and Tomb Raider are RPGs in the west? I’m not JUST saying he’s not at all tuned into his direct competition outside of Japan, but he has no fucking clue what he’s talking about and that should be scarier than hell for Square-Enix as it becomes worrisome as to his actual experience in games, particularity within his own genre and especially within this particular franchise. How’d he get this job again?

It should also be noted that by the time this rocket scientist publicly blurted out this comment, Square-Enix was already putting a bow on what used to be Eidos, so his comparisons to “Western Role-Playing Games” was made using action titles owned by his own company. Also, by his batshit logic of applying RPG categorization, so is Mario Brothers 2, Sonic the Hedgehog 3, Halo, Duck Hunt and Dance Dance Revolution! His dedication to blame a cultural divide rather than considering that the problem might lie in something more pressing like the shocking deviation from the innovation we’ve come to expect with each installment over the last twenty years really pisses in my vinegar and blows my mind that he still has a fucking job. His head should be on a pike outside Squenix HQ as an example that no one who fucks up this badly is allowed to do so again, much LESS to come out and insult the rest of the fucking world for having higher standards than the Japanese! That’s not a racial crack, that’s a “Don’t you have customers there?! Don’t you want Western money too?” kind of comment.

One of these days I’ll muddle through FF13 and write up something of my own, but with all the venom circulating out there, I should step back and let the professionals do their thing while I focus my bile in the direction that demands it: on Motomu Toriyama! And Squenix for keeping him around, especially after he made a big deal announcing how excited he would be to direct a bastardization remake of Final Fantasy 7, the shining gem that was the biggest bane of the Nintendo 64 and the Jesus Christ Superstar of the PSone.

Now Toriyama could surprise us ALL and make FF7 better than ever, but after a guy cooked and fed you your pets are you really looking to have him cook you another meal? Some of you maybe, but I’m not willing to take that chance. Hence my personal boycott of the company until his resignation, I’ve got nothing to worry about since their games are all worthless and easy to acquire unlike the late nineties when I had to get in knife fights behind babbage’s and EB Games before I could take home a used copy of Brave Fencer Musashi, Saga Frontier, or Xenogears. Oh wait, those are all titles Squenix fucked up too… With Xenogears being such a dealbreaker that they chased the developer over to Bandai/Namco who made Xenosaga.

Squenix, you need to look deep inside where your soul and/or heart used to reside and consider that you used to make GAMES. Before you drive your recent MMO shitbox FF14, which I’m laughing about it’s utter failure every time I hear about it in gaming news, COMPLETELY into the ground because you outsourced it to shitty chinese developers, consider making something people want again. Look at what worked or get on your fucking knees and beg Mistwalker Studios to come help consult or something.

At this rate, buying Eidos is the only thing keeping you above water…

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